It was a miracle that we were even talking phone to phone. My friend Deborah and I are like most creative people these days – overcommitted. I heard the edge of anger in her voice when she told me that we never see each other anymore.
It was true. We hadn’t seen each other. It wasn’t for wanting. Deborah is a dynamic, fun, on the ball person with whom I shared a lot of fun and connection. It wasn’t her, it was my schedule.
I reassured her that I was still committed to our friendship. And then I got out my coaching toolkit and saved our friendship.
“Let’s plan a regular date,” I suggested. “That way the hassle of scheduling is gone and we’re sure to connect regularly.”
“That sounds great,” Deborah replied. I could hear the relief in her voice and I felt the narrow escape of losing a good friend.
How did we manage to not just save but solidify our friendship?
This is what we did. We scheduled a monthly dinner and Scrabble date on a Sunday night. We alternated between our homes. It’s a complete treat to go to Deborah’s home. She always makes a fantastic meal of salad, vegetables, fish and. I always make a fantastic meal of salad, vegetables, fish or soup.
We catch up over dinner then relax onto the couch for a Scrabble game which she invariably wins. (Okay, that’s an understatement. She kicks my ass every time by at least two hundred points. And I’m a very good player.)
Who do you want to connect with more frequently this year? A colleague? An old classmate or acquaintance? A family member?
Call this person and ask if she’d like to meet for lunch (dinner, drink, walk, whatever). If you enjoy your time together, ask if you can set up a regular meeting. Once you’ve got your structure set up, be sure to make the next appointment while you’re still together. After we’ve packed up the Scrabble game, Deborah and I always get our calendars out and make our next meeting then. I love this, since I hate emailing back and forth to schedule.
These Sunday evenings are one of the things I miss most about Boulder. When I left, Deborah and I had been meeting this way for over four years. Our connection is stronger than ever and our trust in our friendship is deep. This simple coaching tool of matching a desire with a plan made all the difference for our friendship.
With the plethora of online connecting points, we can sometimes miss out on in-person connections. One small step can make it easy to be in touch with people that fuel you and your creativity.
Photo: Deborah at a Spa Party I hosted at Moondance Botanicals in Denver.
I have cut way back. I feel satisfied if I get one thing crossed off my todo list each day. It is amazing how much you can get done when you slow down. I thought I learned this years ago from a colleague who got slower and slower as deadlines approached while I turned into a speed demon. His way was better. But I keep forgetting.....
Posted by: donna Druchunas | January 27, 2009 at 02:02 PM
BTW, when (if you know) do you plan to return to Boulder?
Posted by: donna Druchunas | January 27, 2009 at 02:05 PM
What a fantastic idea, Cynthia! I have been feeling the same way... lost connection with those that mean the most to me do to so much going on in my life. I love your idea and hope to implement it with two of my friends.
~Barbara
http://www.joyfulpaws.com
Posted by: Barbara | January 28, 2009 at 01:29 PM
This is a great idea, when I finally get to the point where I can actually leave the house again (!) I think I will try and do this. There are so few people I actually want to see, a regular date is such a good way of making sure it happens.
Posted by: Tania Hershman | January 28, 2009 at 02:46 PM
Thanks, all, for your comments. Donna, cutting back to only what is meaningful to you is the way to go! My friendships are the heart of my life and what I miss the most about Boulder. I have no idea when I am coming back, if ever. I am in Europe until at least June.
Do it, Barb, you won't regret it. It makes life so much easier! And fun.
Tania, sending lots of healing vibes your way and knowing that your friends will be there to help bring more life back to you!
Posted by: Cynthia Morris | January 28, 2009 at 03:08 PM
This is such a simple, but very important idea. Since I dedicated myself full time to being a fine artist I've noticed how isolated I've become. Thanks for the push to get back into the swing of friendships and conversation.
Posted by: Patricia | January 28, 2009 at 05:30 PM
Patricia,
It will be interesting for you to see how reconnecting impacts your art making! My friends completely inspire me. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Posted by: Cynthia Morris | February 03, 2009 at 06:04 AM
Getting back in touch with a bunch of my old friends on facebook completely derailed a memoir I have been working on because I realized I was looking at my past in a way that wasn't really true/honest. Not intentionally, but I'd forgotten a lot of things that came back to the surface and completely changed my perspective. I don't know if the memoir will come back to life again or if it will morph into something else or if it will live under the bed. We'll see!
Posted by: donna Druchunas | February 03, 2009 at 08:06 AM
Cynthia,
The thought of a monthly dinner with my best friend is a wonderful fantasy. But she lives in Illinois and I live in Colorado. We connect by telephone and even if not often, we've been friends for so long (30 years), it's as if we had just talked a day or so ago every time.
Still, the reminder is a good one. Hm . . . who have I not been in touch with lately?
Melanie
Posted by: Melanie Mulhall | February 05, 2009 at 11:52 AM
"Donna, that is so bizarre. And hilarious in a weird way, like some kind of real world writer's life drama show."
Yeah, who knows. Maybe I'll write a book about trying to write a book! :-) For now, I have another book I am working on that is coming along very nicely.
Posted by: donna Druchunas | February 06, 2009 at 07:41 PM
I have had the same idea, of regular dates with friends. The problem is I have so many friends with whom I should make a date night that if I did that, I'd never have a minute to myself. Do I schedule monthly friend parties? That way I see (we all see) 6 or 8 people on a regular basis?
Posted by: Lara Robinson | February 10, 2009 at 04:29 PM
Melanie,
I'd still set up a regular 'tea date' with your friend. Make an appointment, brew a cup of tea and settle in for a chat. You don't have to do it monthly, but more regularly might be nice!
Lara, I like that you're thinking creatively about how to connect with friends. I bet if you looked at a list of your friends, you could easily choose five or fewer that you really want to make sure to connect with every month. Maybe you could choose a handful and set dates and see how it goes. I have a lot of people in my life and I know there are 3-5 of them that I make sure to see every month. Then there are others I see every other month or every quarter.
It sounds so contrived, but I have found that it's not. It actually feels great to be in regular contact with them, no guilt, no shoulds. Have fun experimenting with what works for you!
Posted by: Cynthia Morris | February 11, 2009 at 04:48 AM
Wow, how to do this? I now take care of my senior Mom, teach several days a week, have a website and blog to take care of, not to mention keeping up with my studio time and actually painting. But I'm going to do this, because there is a real possibility of losing a dear old friend because we never see each other. Wow..thanks for the nudge.
Posted by: Tesia Blackburn | May 31, 2009 at 11:44 AM